Cubs Biggest Fucking Move of Fucking Offseason is a Stupid Fucking Mascot

Fuck the Cubs. Fuck Crane Kenney. Fuck whichever of Crane Kenney's dipshit fucking minions came up with Clark the fucking bear. This is fucking embarassing.

Like it's not bad enough to be stuck being a fan of a horseshit team thats own ass-backwards mismanagement forced it to be the only fucking baseball team that regularly played in the daytime as a kid. Like it isn't bad enough that we root for a team that hasn't sniffed a fucking World Series win since before fucking World War I even started or the fucking Titanic was built.

Like it's not bad enough that the team continues to be so bum-fuzzled that they can't figure out a way to renovate their own fucking ballpark using their own fucking money because they are dominated by a bunch of local bar owners who successfully got the team to sign a fucking contract that allows them to fucking legally steal the Cubs product.

Like it isn't bad enough that we are going to enter into our THIRD fucking season where they will PURPOSEFULLY be fucking awful and charge prices more excessive than most teams that have won a fucking World Series in our fucking lifetimes.

Now, as we starve for anything – ANYTHING – that would make the Cubs team even a tiny bit interesting this year as we march toward another 95+ loss season, we get this fucking mascot bullshit. It took about 3 seconds for Cubs fans to make the Poochie connection where the Simpsons mocked adding superfluous characters to artificially inflate interest in a show that was losing viewers' interest. I don't know who actually made the first connection, but the first I saw was @ChicagoVince:

Seriously, this has Wally fucking Hayward's fingerprints all over it. This could only come from the genius mind behind Chicago's Olympic bid and the "It's a Way of Life" campaign.  I imagine the meeting to discuss this new mascot went something like this:

Tom Ricketts: I have figured out how to rejuvenate ticket sales! It's so simple, you egghead marketers would've never thought of it! What we need is… a new mascot! One that today's kids can relate to!

Alison Miller, Senior Director, Marketing: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but the ivy and history of Wrigley form a classical baseball mythology dyad.

Crane Kenney: Hey, this ain't art, it's business! (to Tom) Whaddya got in mind? Sexy Lincoln Park Trixie? Douchebag Drunken Bro?

Ricketts: No, no. We're the Chicago Cubs. It should be a Cubbie Bear.

Julian Green, VP Communications and Community Affairs: Uh, a bear? Isn't that a tad predictable?

Wally Hayward, CEO, W Partners:  In your dreams. We're talking the original bear from hell.

Miller: You mean Mike McCaskey?

Hayward: We want a bear with attitude. He's edgy. He's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy?" Well, this is a bear who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.

Kenney: So he's proactive, huh?

Hayward: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.

Kevin Saghy, Manager, Communications: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? (fidgets) Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. (fidgets again) I'm fired, aren't I?

Ricketts: (to Kevin) Oh, yes.

Ricketts: The rest of you start thinking up a name for this funky bear; I dunno, something along the line of say… Clark, only more proactive.

Kenney: Yeah!

(Ricketts, Kenney and Hayward leave.)

Miller: So, Clark The Cub okay with everybody?

Everyone in unison: Yeah…

It's such a kick in the dick that they're even pulling this shit. They know god damn well that they aren't getting Tanaka. They know god damn well that Baez, Bryant, etc. etc. won't even debut until half the season is tanked at the very earliest, and even if they arrive this year they'll just be thrown in this shitfest of a season where anything less than Hall of Fame heroics will be met by the fanbase with derision. They know god damn well that Samardzija is already halfway out the door. So here's a fuzzy, cuddly, snuggle bear to distract you. 

And I've seen here and on Twitter that this is meant for children so get the fuck over it. OK, then explain why the fucking thing will be on Twitter and Facebook? What fucking kids younger than 10 years old are on Twitter and Facebook?

This is all part of the bullshit the marketing department absolutely has to come up with because they KNOW the team is going to blow. They fucking know it and this is as bold-faced an admission as you are ever going to see a team make. It's not even fucking February and the 2014 season has all but been declared dead by the team itself. For the third straight year.

IVY!

MANUAL SCOREBOARD!

WRIGLEY IS 100 YEARS OLD!

DAY BASEBALL!

SUNSHINE!

OLD STYLE BEER!

URINAL TROUGHS!

SNUGGLY, FUZZY, GLAZED EYED, BACKWARD HAT BEAR!

COMMITTED!

The Cubs insist this is the result of fan surveys and feedback. Who the fuck took these surveys and said that a day at the ballpark was missing a scared-looking Cubs mascot with a backwards hat? Did anybody check to make sure that Cardinals fans weren't filling these surveys out as a joke? Are these the same surveys that placed an inordinate amount of importance on fucking urinal troughs? At what point will these people come to the realization that Cubs fans are either insane, stupid as fuck, or both?

Holy fucking hell. If this is what Cubs fans really care about then we just don't even deserve a winning team. 

If we're going to go with any Clark as a mascot, it should be Clark Griswold:

Hey! If any of you are looking for any late Christmas gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Tom Ricketts, the Cubs Executive Chairman, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy Committed! slumber over there in Wilmette with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! 

That's a Clark I could get behind as a mascot.

aisle424

About aisle424

I used to write lots of things about the Cubs. Now I sometimes write things about the Cubs.

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