The Cubs Blog Managerial Search: A One-Act Play

I wish every Cubs blogger had a vote on the new manager. Truly, that war room would be very interesting.

(dream sequence)

Brett Taylor [bleachernation]: Everyone, thanks for coming. We're here to decide who the next manager is. I've done a ton of research, and given a short take on each of the several candidates here.

John Arguello [cubsden]: I've talked to a few sources about A.J. Hinch. I feel like he should be strongly considered; I don't hold his previous teams' failures against him.

Sahadev Sharma [espn/twitter]: I've been interviewing players in the clubhouse and they feel that while Hinch is respected, he doesn't have the handle on a clubhouse like a Dave Martinez or Rick Renteria does. It's also important to note that the younger players in our system speak Spanish, so it'd be nice to have someone who speaks Spanish to be more relatable.

Myles Handley [the site you are reading, right now]: Honestly, I'm not overly concerned on the manager. Theo and the brain trust know more about each of these candidates than I could ever dream about. They've vetted several of them, with plenty of lengthy interviews. I trust they'll make a solid decision, whoever they go with. 

Kermit [Mike Reidt, hirejimessian]: Do you even have to ask?

Andy Dolan [desipio]: If managers are just going to come from the pool of catchers without any previous experience, I feel like you have to include Hank White in the conversation. This seems like a no-brainer.

Alvin Yellon [bleedcubbieblue]: I want Dave Martinez.

Brett: Why do you say that, Al?

Al: He knows what it's like to be a Cub. The media here will eat any other candidate alive. Once, when I was sitting in the bleachers, Belinda O'Grady shat herself around 10 feet to my left. As the fecal deposit oozed out of her Depend and onto the concrete below, it occured to me that while I wore my 1968 "Cubs Disco" hat AND Dave Martinez was in the lineup, he drove in 12 of his 17 home RBI in 1987! I'll never forget that day; not only because I made a mental note to save that hat just in case Dave Martinez ever managed the Cubs, but also because there was a lot of corn in that dump.

Andy: That's…the worst reason I've ever heard for a manager to be hired. That's saying something, because I read your site on the regular.

Brett: I'm pretty rankled that Torey Luvollo isn't getting an interview. He's got an interview on FanGraphs, and he's, like, very impressive in it. I'm not sure he's the cat's pajamas, but he's definitely some sort of evening wear.

(Jason Parks enters the room.) 

Jason Parks: #rig #want #sparkle. Torey Luvollo is a DUDE. #slack #bathnight #usedtobecoolnowjustembarassing

(Jason Parks leaves the room.)

Al: I think the Cubs should hire Brad Ausmus. 

(2 minutes pass)

John: …he was hired already. By the Tigers. 

Al: Well, that's on Theo and Jed. Just because Brad Ausmus is the manager of the Tigers doesn't mean he shouldn't be the manager of the Cubs. What's taking Theo so long. HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WAIT, GUYS?

Myles: I think that Theo and Jed just want to do their due diligence. They weren't even allowed to interview Lovullo before the WS ended. Ausmus has never managed before, at any level. I'm not sure we missed the next Earl Weaver.

Sahadev: Ausmus was an interesting guy, but so is A.J. Hinch. More important to have some experience with leading a clubhouse in my opinion. 

Andy: Alvin, I tried reading your last article. Does anyone know the cure for hysterical blindness?

Al: …I think the Cubs should hire Joel Quenneville.

Brett: What?

Al: Q is a proven winner. The United Center doesn't have bleachers, so I've never seen him coach in person, but he's familiar with the Chicago media and he's already won 2 championships. He reminds me of a story about Maude Deveraux, who sat in the bleachers with me from 1974 to 1996 until her death from hookworm. Maude once told me that when she was a frog hunter in New Orleans, the older boys would swim out down the bayou to where the bigger, better frogs were. The younger children would yell at them not to swim down there, because there were alligators. Some of the kids that swam down the bayou never came back, but those that did had the biggest frogs you'd ever seen. The moral of the story is that if you want big frogs, you gotta swim the bayou and damn the consequences.

Maude also gave me the clap.

Myles: I'm not so sure that Joel Quenneville is on the Theo's radar.

Al: He is. I've left Theo 13 voicemails about it. The last time I called, it said his inbox was full, so I know he still has 'em.

(Jason Parks enters the room again)

Jason: Francisco Lindor won't return my calls.

(Jason leaves the room again, with a single tear running down his eye.)

Brett: While you guys have been talking, a release just came out. The Cubs are going to name Rick Renteria the manager soon. Good hire. I gotta go write about this.

(Brett leaves.)

Sahadev: The Illinois game is about to be on. I need to get home and into my tweeting chair.

(Sahadev leaves.)

John: I should get out of here too. I've got to speak with some of my sources about where Renteria might go with filling out his staff. 

(John leaves.)

Myles: I don't have any sources, so I can't use that as an excuse, but I can't think of anywhere I'd like to be less than here, right now. 

(Myles leaves.)

Kermit and Andy, together: Were we ever really here at all?

(Kermit and Andy disappear into an aura of impossibility.)

(There is a knock at the door.)

Myles: Hey! Is anyone still here? 

Al: Go away. You've been banned.

Myles: What? Why?

Al: You're out of here. This was one of the worst things every done.

Myles: …but that doesn't even make sense!

Al: I know exactly who you are. Stay away.

Myles: How are you locking me out? This is a Denny's! You don't own this place.

Al: That reminds me of a story about my bleacher friend Winston Smith. Did you know that he once killed a man with a frosty malt?

Myles: Forget it. I'll walk home.