WGN Narrows List of Candidates To Annoy Fans During Cubs Broadcasts

Last night, Robert Feder reported that WGN has a short list of candidates to replace Keith Moreland alongside Pat Hughes in the Cubs radio booth.

While the search remains open, sources said, WGN officials compiled a list of their top potential candidates Monday, including eight former Cubs — Rick Sutcliffe, Kerry Wood, Todd Hollandsworth, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Eric Karros, Doug Glanville and Dave Otto. Also on the list is former WGN sportscaster Andy Masur, who subbed for Hughes on Cubs broadcasts before becoming announcer for the San Diego Padres.

Yes, you read that correctly. In amongst the usual suspects, there is Ryan Theriot. While we all recover from throwing up in our mouths, I decided to rank my personal preferences from this list.

#1 – Andy Masur

For me it really isn't close. Andy Masur has worked with Pat Hughes before (from 1999 to 2007 at WGN), he has a very listenable voice, and he's extremely knowledgeable about the game. I don't know how serious his inclusion is since he's traditionally been a play-by-play guy. But his ability to do the play-by-play during Pat Hughes' 5th inning constitutional should be enough to rocket him to the top of the list by a large margin.

#2 – Doug Glanville

Doug is the only candidate who people will talk about how intelligent and well-spoken he is, like it's a big surprise that a guy who is black works in the television industry can put two sentences together coherently. Still, it would be hilarious if the Cubs broadcast with Glanville ended up sounding like this:

Doug Glanville: Shiiiiit, maaaaan. That honky muf' be messin' mah old lady… got to be runnin' cold upside down his head, you know?

Pat Hughes: Hey home', I can dig it. Know ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you, man!

Doug Glanville: I say hey, sky… subba say I wan' see…

Pat Hughes: Uh-huh.

Doug Glanville: …pray to J I did the same-ol', same-ol'!

Pat Hughes: Hey… knock a self a pro, Slick! That gray matter backlot perform us DOWN, I take TCB-in', man!

Doug Glanville: Hey, you know what they say: see a broad to get dat booty yak 'em…

Doug Glanville, Pat Hughes:: …leg 'er down a smack 'em yak 'em!

Doug Glanville: COL' got to be! Y'know? Shiiiiit.

#3 – Dave Otto

Now we get to the splitting hairs portion of the list because the next few guys are all annoying, and their order would be determined more by personal preference than anything tangible. I've got Otto above the rest because I've gotten oddly used to his awkward delivery and tendency to overuse player slang and the rest of the list is pretty terrible,

#4 – Rick Sutcliffe

Sutcliffe can be entertaining, but he tends to just parrot the lazy narratives I tend to hate about guys finding a will to succeed and shit like that. He's also the most entertaining when he's hammered off his ass drunk.

Unfortunately, that schtick was done in the WGN booth already by Harry Caray.

#5 – Eric Karros

I probably only rank Eric Karros this low because I always resented him taking at-bats away from Hee Seop Choi in 2003. Shows what I fucking know.

#6 – Mark DeRosa

DeRosa seemed to do fine on the TBS studio show during the playoffs and I'm sure the women would LOVE to see his sexy stubble on the radio… wait…

*UPDATE* DeRosa apparently realized his sexy stubble would be completely negated on radio and has signed with the MLB Network where he will look like a genius compared to Harold Reynolds.

#7 – Todd Hollandsworth

Hollandsworth has been working Cubs games for Comcast since 2008 and has seemingly earned a shot at a more full-time gig, but the man. Does. Not. Shut. Up. Ever. If you're going to sit next to one of the best play-by-play announcers in all of baseball, the color guy should probably allow him to get a word in occasionally and Hollandsworth doesn't.

#8 – Kerry Wood

Wood was always good for a quote with the media, but I never heard him do anything or say anything that led me to believe he had 162 games times 3 hours worth of material to share with people. But I'd hire Kerry Wood in a second or any of…

#9  (tie) – Almost Everyone Else on the Planet

… before I hired…

#10 – Ryan Theriot

I would rather listen to Ronnie Woo paired with Bobcat Goldthwait read the entire passage of Genesis chapter 5 (And Mahal'aleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared and Mahal'aleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters and all the days of Mahal'aleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died…) on a loop while someone put my head in a vise and stuck icepicks into my testicles than listen to Ryan Theriot say anything ever again.

Personally, I'd rather Pat Hughes just have the booth to himself or if they absolutely have to hire someone, the only choice is clear:

 

 

BILL FUCKING MURRAY!

 

aisle424

About aisle424

I used to write lots of things about the Cubs. Now I sometimes write things about the Cubs.

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