Top Ten Signs the Cubs Might Contend This Year
The Cubs aren’t that good. They were bad last year, and they haven’t taken any dramatic steps forward this offseason. They haven’t even taken very many marginally impressive steps forward. Baby steps maybe? LMFAO shuffling steps, perhaps, but this train ain’t pulling out of Losing-Season Station anytime soon. Case in point: there is no news to report today. Nothing of note. The Friday Facepalm is going to be pretty short, unlike the odds of the Cubs contending.
The few good things that have happened have involved the Cubs’ competition. Albert Pujols is gone. Prince Fielder is gone. Ryan Braun may miss 50 games. The Astros have an identity crisis, and the Pirates are the Pirates. And, oh yeah, the Reds. Well, here are a few other developments that, if they should happen, would point to the Cubs having a chance at contending thanks to addition by infarction:
10. Asteroid hits Cincy.
9. Ryan Braun syphilis rumors turn out to be true and rambunctious shower incident on 3-for-1 cocktail night wreaks havoc on the Brewers’ collective ability to walk.
8. Everyone who believes in Cubbies claps their hands and makes a wish and clicks their heels together three times and maybe stabs random members of NL Central opponents.
7. Your mom.
6. Ronnie Woo Woo changes name to Ronnie Voo Doo.
5. Pack of rabid dogs occupy visitor clubhouse at Wrigley.
4. Mayan calendar magically turns into a W flag.
3. You just woke up from a coma to find this year is actually 2018.
2. Dude, I’m having a hell of a time thinking of ten things, even impossible things, that could allow the Cubs to contend.
1. Every single game: Metamucil in the other guys’ Gatorade.
Is there a Cubs game today?