Top Ten Formerly Unwritten Rules for Cubs

Obstructed View Daily Facepalm

There has been much talk in recent nadirs on the Cubs' undulating saga of suck years about the unwritten rules of baseball. Don't steal when you're up by ten runs. Don't steal when you're down by ten runs. Don't swing at 3-0 pitches when you're up by five runs. So, since it's Friday and I haven't put up a daily facepalm in a couple of days (let's not explore the paradox hanging between the daily facepalm's moniker and its haphazard occurrence, that's not what this is about), I thought it would be a good time to review some unwritten rules for the Chicago Cubs to follow. I understand that this technically undoes their unwrittenness, but I think it's time we move out of the era of oral tradition as it obviously has its flaws resulting in gross misapplication of unwritten rules. Right, Steve? Of course. Here we go.

10. You suck.

Wait, never mind. That one's been written many times.

10. If you suck, try not to ruin it for the players that don't.

9. If you throw at Bryce Harper, hit Bryce Harper, not a lonely patch of dirt somewhere in the general vicinity of Bryce Harper's feet.

8. Before criticizing the way an opponent hits, first learn to hit. Either a moving baseball or a stationary Bryce Harper, learn to hit at least one of them.

7. If Team A has the best record in the league and Team B has one of the worst records in the history of baseball, Team A should be criticizing Team B and not the other way around.

6. Unwritten rules are best left unspoken.

5. The fifth inning of last night's game is not the time to be giving up.

4. The appropriate time to give up was May 6 at 3:11 p.m.

3. Don't ever shut down your ace on the brink of the playoffs. You never know when his career might end. (Sorry, that's for the Nationals.)

2. Don't ever overuse your ace in the playoffs. You never know how it might injure them permanently. (Sorry, that's for the 2003 Cubs.)

1. Getting angry at an opposing batter for swinging at pitches is as idiotic as getting angry at an opposing pitcher for continuing to pitch.