As you all know by now, Barry Bonds was convicted two days ago for hitting too many home runs. It’s a serious offense in modern America. Punishment has not yet been handed down and no precedent exists. It’s believed Bonds will be get a spanking for each of the 13 home runs he hit above Babe Ruth. There’s still much debate concerning passing Hank Aaron in career home runs, but experts believe that Bonds will be sent to bed without dessert for 3 weeks.
Prosecutors are exploring the idea of requesting Bonds be executed, but are likely to insist instead he be permanently detained in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Said the prosecutor, “there are many others wrongfully detained in Guantanamo Bay so it only seems appropriate Bonds be one of them.” In response to the statement, the American people quickly threw their support behind the prosecution releasing a written statement reading, “That cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater finally gets what’s coming to him. Amerika, Fuck Yeah!”
Although there are surely some spankings and dessertless nights ahead for Bonds, I quickly took a look to see who the new home run leaders were. Turns out, it’s still Barry Bonds. Don’t believe me?