Jim Hendry is going around telling Patrick Mooney that the Cubs are just a few smart moves away from contending again. He’s not being ironic. He’s dead serious.
“That’s the way the game is now,” Hendry said. “The Pirates were (34 games) back a year ago. They did a nice job. Some of their younger players are playing well. They had a few real quality acquisitions in the winter that clicked. And you’re right back in it.”
When I hear crap like that come from the Cubs, all I can think about is Jaws 4: The Revenge. That was a terrible movie. There was not a single redeeming thing about it, but there it was with the word “Jaws” in the title so they figured stupid people would line up to watch it. Nothing captures the true essence of the sheer stupidity of Jaws 4 better than the late Richard Jeni:
Did you ever see a movie so bad that they just slap you in the face with how bad it is? You can’t even pretend. You go, “Maybe this movie isn’t that bad, maybe I’m not wasting my life.” And they go, (slap) “Yes, you are.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. (slap) Look at you! (slap) It’s four in the morning (slap) and you have one sweatsock (slap) and a burrito (slap) watching a shark (slap) that only kills one family (slap) out of (slap) an entire ocean full (slap) of perfectly edible people (slap) for no reason (slap) that we ever explain (slap) and you won’t (slap) turn it off (slap) because you think it’s going to get better.” (slap) (slap) (slap)
That is what it is like to be a Cubs fan right now. Look at us. MB has written not one, but two posts inspired by a post by Wreckard explaining how the Cubs can get back into contention next year. This blog is probably the most cynical group of Cubs fans you will find and here we are writing post after post about how the Cubs can start winning again sometime soon. Twitter is abuzz with people reveling in the first three-game win streak of the season. Of. The. Season.
We don’t like watching the Cubs suck like this. As much fun as we have with the reverse standings, I was pleased as punch that the Astros pretty much clinched the #1 draft pick by getting swept like that. So we start to get delusional.
Maybe the Cubs aren’t that bad, you think. Afterall, look at the Pirates. Look what they did. Maybe I’m not wasting my life rooting for this team.
(slap) Yes, you are.
The Cubs continue (slap) to drone on (slap) about how they can (slap) be like the Pirates (slap) but they fail to mention (slap) that the Cubs don’t have anyone like (slap) Andrew McCutchen, (slap) Neil Walker, or (slap) Jose Tabata and (slap) refuse to trade (slap) utility guys like Jeff Baker (slap) for no apparent reason (slap) that they ever explain (slap) and insist (slap) that the farm system has talent (slap) when Darwin Barney and his .700 OPS (slap) is the best rookie (slap) they’ve produced this year (slap) and the only thing (slap) they seem to excel at (slap) is getting old (slap). Have a $1 hotdog (slap) and a free t-shirt (slap) (slap) (slap).
The Cubs pass up almost every opportunity they have to get better. Jeff Baker is untouchable. That is the biggest piece of fucking bullshit I have ever heard pass from the mouths of anyone associated with the Cubs (and that is saying something) and I don’t see much from the media calling them out on it. Jeff Baker? The man is the small side of a platoon and he’s untouchable for some reason. (slap) (slap) (slap)
I don’t care what the plan is for next year. Whether they buy him out at the end of the season, trade him this season, or hold onto him for another year, there is no scenario that makes Jeff Baker important enough to not even listen to trade talks about him. I don’t care if they have to put Koyie Hill (slap) (slap) at third base next year because they traded both Ramirez and Baker, it won’t matter in the slightest and they might get lucky with some random prospect they pick up.
There was a time when we got a Hall of Fame second baseman as a throw in for Ivan DeJesus. Sometimes stuff happens. But what won’t happen is Jeff Baker, at the age of 30, suddenly becoming a player you build a team around.
We’re starting to hear rumors about Carlos Pena being moved, plus Kosuke Fukudome and even Alfonso Soriano, so that is a start, but I don’t expect anything of reliable ability to come back in the deals. Game-changing prospects are more likely to be found if they had the balls to admit they don’t need a closer like Marmol locked up for three years. Sean Marshall would probably fetch a nice price as well. But they won’t.
They’ll just sell a trade of a couple of veterans for B-level prospects (at best) as rebuilding (slap) and then they’ll be ready to compete again next year (slap) while providing a few more Prince Fielder (slap) or Albert Pujols (slap) to-the-Cubs-rumor leaks (slap) so they can justify not lowering ticket prices. (slap)
A quick Google search lead me to the stat that the odds of getting attacked by a shark are about 11.5 million to one. That’s amazing. That is the same chance the Cubs have of contending next year.
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