Cubs managerial candidate test

The Cubs managerial candidates are going to be put to the test in their interviews with the Superfriends.  This will be no ordinary interview where Jim Hendry asks them what their favorite donut flavor is, this is going to be some hard-hitting, real-life game situation stuff that will undoubtedly face the new Cubs manager once the season begins.

Once again, our crack team of Obstructed View spies have dug up some real behind-the-scenes gold that we can share with you.  Actually, it appears Theo may have left a draft of the questionaire behind after visiting Starbucks again and Purple Shirt Guy came to us because we gave him the most money.

Keep in mind, this appeared to only  be a draft, so even if this isn’t the actual set of questions used in the real interviews, we can assure you that our source believed it to be at the time he found them.  And that’s good enough for us.

Calvin

1. Your ace pitcher gives up a bunch of runs that could have been prevented with a better defense, but not necessarily.  He comes into the dugout and flips out telling everyone they suck and has to be separated from the unquestioned locker room leader.  He then leaves the park after the game and has a pre-arranged dinner with the opposing manager.  What do you do?

  1. Go on and on and on about how disappointed you are that he went to dinner
  2. Suspend the pitcher
  3. Stick him in the bullpen
  4. All of the above

2. Choose one answer to this question at random. What is the chance that you are correct?

  1. 20%
  2. 40%
  3. 20%
  4. I was told there would be no math
  5. It’s known as Heinlinger’s Question, a query where the options given create a shift in the logical paradigm that fluctuates as each choice is considered, thus creating a paradox of validity in which any response that appears correct ultimately renders itself false. It was devised as a converse to Pascal’s Question, a question with two possible values that conflict in such a manner as to render the affirmative the only valid response no matter what the true value is (Are you telling the truth? Whether one is truthful or deceitful, the only logically valid answer is “Yes.”)  Heinlinger’s conclusion was that in cases in which the possible answers created a paradox, the only correct response is to refuse to answer. So fuck off.

3. Ryan Theriot is coming to the plate in a clutch situation for the opponent. You go out to the mound to discuss strategies for getting him out with your closer. What do you tell him?

  1. Throw fastballs
  2. Hang a slider
  3. The scouting report says that you can get Ryan Theriot out with pitches
  4. Drill him in the ear to set up a TOOTBLAN

4. Your starter has struggled through five and two thirds innings against the Phillies and is clearly running out of gas. The opponent is up by one run, there are runners on second and third, and you have a lefty reliever warmed up in the pen. A righty is at the plate, but Ryan Howard, who is allergic to left-handed pitching, is on deck. What do you do?

  1. Tell your starter to intentionally walk the batter, then bring in the lefty to face Howard
  2. Tell your starter to pitch to the batter. Bring the reliever in if Howard comes up.
  3. Bring the reliever in right away, platoon split be damned.
  4. Tell your starter to intentionally walk the batter, then leave him in to cough up a grand slam to Howard

5. Your 21-year old shortstop is caught not paying attention to a play by the television cameras in a national broadcast. What do you do?

  1. Bench him the next day and privately tell him to shape up, but tell the media it’s a regular off-day.
  2. Bench him the next day and tell everyone with a notepad and microphone that he’s being punished.
  3. Call him out privately, but play him the next day.
  4. Let Bobby Valentine publicly flog him while passing out his resume to those in attendance.

6. In spring traning, one of your marginal veteran players complains that he never knows when he’s going to play because you haven’t written a playing calendar. What do you tell him?

  1. Explain that this is not your policy
  2. If it is your policy, show him the calendar
  3. Get out your laptop to show him the calendar, but instead show him this gif
  4. Tell him to shut the fuck up and to get the fucking KFC bucket off his head before packing his shit to get the fuck out.

7. It is the bottom of the 8th inning, the score is tied 1-1, and there is one out and a batter on second. A typical position player is at the plate. Do you

  1. Tell your batter to sacrifice
  2. Tell your batter to swing away
  3. Tell Koyie Hill to pinch hit

8. Same question, but it is now the top of the 9th (you are the visiting team)

  1. Tell your batter to sacrifice
  2. Tell your batter to swing away
  3. Tell Blake DeWitt to pinch hit

9. Same question, but it is now the bottom of the 9th (you are the home team)

  1. Tell your batter to sacrifice
  2. Tell your batter to swing away
  3. Tell Tyler Colvin to pinch hit and just start packing up the dugout to go home.

10. Same question, but it is now the top of the 2nd.

  1. Tell your batter to sacrifice
  2. Tell your batter to swing away
  3. In case you can’t tell, we never want you to say you are going to bunt.

11. If you answered A to questions 7 through 10,

  1. Please pack up your things and leave
  2. Seriously
  3. What are you doing? Why are you still reading this? Get. The. Fuck. Out.
  4. Now.

12. Your closer has blown three saves in the past ten days. There is no reason to believe that he is injured. Do you

  1. Temporarily demote him to give him a break.
  2. Put him out there in the next save situation.
  3. Give him the day off and tell the media he is nursing a sore arm.
  4. Tell him his arm hurts and put him on the DL.
  5. He’ll always walk everybody in the ballpark anyway, so who gives a damn?

13. Let’s say the Cubs make the playoffs and there is a play in a late inning situation of a potential pennant clinching game where a fan touches a ball that is out of play, but that your left-fielder (who happens to pee on his own hands) feels he can catch and stages a world-class nutty on the field inciting the crowd to become a literal murderous mob.  What do you do next?

  1. Just sit there in the dugout while all hell breaks loose. Leave your rookie starter in the game until the lead is well-blown.
  2. Go out to the mound and tell everyone to calm the fuck down since it probably wouldn’t have been caught anyway, no matter what Mr. Pee Hands seems to think.
  3. Call an Orthodox Priest and see what he can do.
  4. Have a friend place a sizable bet against your team as soon as possible.

14. Can you believe that shit with the black cat running around Santo’s legs?

  1. Right?
  2. I mean what the hell was that?
  3. I’m glad Shea is gone. What a shithole.
  4. And what the fuck is a Met?
  5. All of the above.

15. Is there any time it is acceptable to refer to your star player as “Cassie?”

  1. Yes.
  2. No.
  3. Who would ever do that?

16. Do you watch Glee?

  1. Yes.
  2. Of course!
  3. No. (Except YEAH!)
  4. I’m behind on DVR and, so help me, if you spoil what happened at Regionals, I will hit you in the face with a piss-slushy.

17. Your team is mired in a 6-game losing streak. It’s the bottom of the 8th inning and Tony Campana is called out at 1st on what was probably a mistake by the ump (according to the collective boos and epithets cascading from the crowded Wrigley stands). What do you do?

  1. Run onto the field and kick dirt and throw bases until you get ejected, thereby motivating the Cubs to turn the game and the season around.
  2. Argue the call vehemently but return to the dugout without risking ejection, thereby staying engaged as the indispensable in-game strategist that you are.
  3. Let Tony Campana argue the call while you issue an icy glare from the top step of the dugout, thereby communicating your icy calm confidence to the rest of the team.
  4. Walk onto the field, put Tony Campana in your front pocket, thereby earning the three most adorable little scrappy wishes your heart could ever dream of.

18. The Cubs drop the first two games of the NLDS against Philadelphia. The second game was particularly heartbreaking, as 7 unearned runs scored in the bottom of the 9th to give the Phillies a 7-6 victory. What do you tell your team after the game?

  1. Throw them all under the bus during your profanity-laced postgame press conference.
  2. Literally throw them under the team bus so that they die.
  3. Give the team a pep talk.
  4. Give the team the silent treatment.
  5. Hold a team-wide prayer meeting for the families of the 8 other NL teams that must have died tragically in plane crashes to allow the Cubs into the postseason.

19.  Have you ever had sex with Ryne Sandberg’s wife?

  1. Only once.
  2. Many times.
  3. Current one? No. But I banged the shit out of his last one.
  4. I couldn’t get a turn because Dave Martinez locked the door. 

20. Do you favor $10 bleacher seat sales?

  1. Correct. Anything to add a little more revenue so we can keep paying for the talent we need to win.
  2. Wrong. That would insult our best customers.
  3. Wait… who owns the Cubs?
  4. Is that like a misting station?
  5. This should have been a FanPost.

Good luck to all the worthy candidates.


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