Cubs Player Power Rankings

There are plenty of places you can go to read team power rankings for all of Major League Baseball. I believe most respectable bloggers and journalists are required by the code of moot speculation to incite as many arguments as possible by haphazardly or systematically arranging the teams from best to crappiest. 

Two things prevent me from doing that: a) I’m discredited and therfore not bound by the blogger codes of conduct, and b) We all know the Cubs are wallowing at the bottom of any but the most randomly created rankings anyway. So instead, I’ve set out to rank the Cubs players.

I used a complex formula incorporating projected player value and season data combined with intangibles factor and adjusted for fun-to-watchedness and how much the player as a person inspires and/or annoys the crap out of me. It’s a pretty advanced method, I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just get straight to the rankings.

1. Starlin Castro
He’s really, really, really good at sports. Allowed to eat dinner on a regular basis. 

2. Carlos Zambrano
Zambrano is never boring. Quite the opposite. Not only does he have a pitching arsenal entirely his own, he’s got personality. And personality goes a long way.

3. Carlos Marmol
Dude is filthy. I have no idea if he’s a complete jerk or nicer than Mr. Rogers, and I really don’t care.

4. Geovany Soto
Geo could be higher on this list if he were producing this year, but as it is there are very few hitters I would rather see at the plate than Geo right now. And by very few, I mean Starlin Castro.

5. Alfonso Soriano
All you really need to know about the 2011 Cubs is that Alfonso Soriano is in my top 5 favorite players right now.

6. Marlon Byrd
Marlon got off to a very brief rough start, but now he’s hitting about as well as he was in spring training, and also showing he is not to be messed with. Don’t let the perma-smile fool you. He’s one bad hombre.

7. Ryan Dempster
Dempster is boring good. Not his best work so far this year, but he’s still much better than what we’ll see from the 3 starters slotted behind him and Z in the rotation. And during the Stanley Cup playoffs, I needed a Canadian to rank pretty high.

8. Sean Marshall
Like mb21, I expect Sean Marshall to disappoint us this season, but really, how many Cubs from the past three seasons (including this one) can you name that you have zero complaints about the entire time? After Sean Marshall, it gets pretty difficult to come up with names.

9. Kosuke Fukudome
It’s April, yeah, so Kosuke should maybe be even higher on this list. I like him. He’s consistently above average in right field. He is nursing a sore hamstring, but he’s part of the better-than-Pujols committee in the leadoff spot.

10. Andrew Cashner*
The kid is on the DL now, which sucks, but the nearly six innings we saw from Cashner were inspiring.

11. Randy Wells*
It’s almost unfathomable that at some point this spring, Randy Wells‘ value to this rotation was in question. I’m pretty sure that when Joni Mitchell wrote “Big Yellow Taxi,” she was referring to the disabled list.

12. Aramis Ramirez
I don’t know why Aramis is so far down on this list. It makes the Cubs look much better than they are to have him here, but I stand behind my foolish decision.

13. Jeff Baker
It’s not the sample size, it’s how you swing it. Right now Baker is swinging it to the tune of a .952 OPS. And he ranks 13th on this team? How do they suck so bad?

14. Kerry Wood
Kerry is the line of demarcation between the players I’m satisfied with and those with whom I’m losing patience. I’m glad for sentimental reasons Wood is on this team, but I’m afraid sentimentality is one of the only reasons he’s on this team.

15. Tyler Colvin
When he hits the ball, it goes far. But most pitches prove very elusive to Tyler Colvin.

16. Carlos Pena
He can’t save all the errors, and he’s basically Tyler Colvin with a shorter future with the Cubs.

17. Darwin Barney
A hot start is what has Darwin so high on this list. I’m sure he’s very good defensively, but I’d rather see Baker in the game.

18. Marcos Mateo
Mateo could easily skyrocket up this list if he keeps throwing like he did last night. But there are only so many Astros in the Majors.

19. Matt Garza
Garza is this low more due to his annoyance factor than anything else. I don’t really want to talk about it.

20. Jeff Samardzija
There are seven Cubs ranked lower than Spellcheck on my list of favorites. If Soriano’s number 5 ranking wasn’t convincing enough, this oughta do it.

21. Casey Coleman
I like Casey Coleman, but he’s the literal definition of a replacement player.

22. James Russell
He’s Rosencrantz.

23. Jeff Stevens
He’s Gildenstern.

24. Blake DeWitt
The bottom of this list was pretty tough to sort out. Blake DeWitt has a game-winning RBI to his name (to go with a comedy of errors from last night). So he finds himself atop the scrappy heap.

25. Reed Johnson
I like Reed. I really wish I was liking him as the occasional visiting ex-Cub instead of the occasionally used Cubs 5th outfielder. His presence on this team makes the Matt Garza trade seem all the more ridiculous.

26. John Grabow
There are times when Grabow will get the job done, especially if “the job” is allowing the other team to score runs. 

27. Koyie Hill
I put Koyie at the bottom because he has the respect of the clubhouse and the leadership qualities necessary to handle a position of this importance. He can take this ignominious distinction. I don’t know who else is up to it. 

Go ahead. Prove this false.