Cubs Seriously Debating Whether to Offer Koyie Hill a Contract

When the Age of Theo was ushered in, we thought that certain Cub traits would be washed away as the Superfriends were assembled.  Surely, we all agreed, paying for guys who had “intangibles” would be one of the first things out the door. Right?

Not so fast.

Bruce Miles, opting not to jump on the “Let’s make fun of Steve Bartman” Bandwagon, tweeted out a message that I assumed had to be a joke:

#Cubs appear ready to burn midnight oil deciding whether to tender Koyie Hill a contract.

Wait… what?  I don’t get it, but it has to be a joke.  Right?  Right, Bruce?

@Aisle424 I don’t joke about such things

How in the hell is that possible? I’m sure he is a nice guy and all, but the answer to the question, “Do we re-sign the guy who made almost twice league minimum last year and cost the team almost a full win in one quarter of a season’s worth of plate appearances?” is: No.

This isn’t one of those questions that are nuanced and require a lot of study and thought.  Even if you have never heard of Koyie Hill, you look up his Baseball-Reference page, scan it for approximately five seconds and conclude that, no, you shouldn’t re-sign this guy no matter how nice he is.

About the only question that is easier to answer in the negative is “Are you sexually attracted to young boys?” That’s about it.

So what the hell are Jed and Theo doing up there? What hidden inefficiency can Koyie possibly fill at a value?  The way he performs on the field, the only value contract would be if Koyie paid the Cubs about $5 million for the opportunity to be on the roster.

Let’s not forget.  Koyie is going to be 33 this year. He isn’t even young by Cubs prospect standards anymore. He is realistically only going to get WORSE if that is even humanly possible.

I can’t even fathom what they could possibly be discussing or debating unless Koyie has naked photographs of Tom Ricketts and his siblings together in Jerry Sandusky’s basement that he is threatening to release to the public.  


About aisle424

I used to write lots of things about the Cubs. Now I sometimes write things about the Cubs.