D’oh! Cubs, D’oh!

The Cubs have had injury problems.  This is not a secret.  Tom Ricketts will tell anyone with a camera or a microphone about the injuries and how they ruined a perfectly good baseball team. But when you look at the injuries piled up together and and see how the Opening Day roster has been beaten within an inch of its life, it is hard not to just stare slack-jawed at the carnage.

So let’s do just that:

Starters

The starters have been the most heavily decimated. If Dempster ends up having to be DLed, that means 100% of the Opening Day rotation will have spent time on the Disabled List and it isn’t even the All-Star Break yet.

Ryan Dempster – He’s been one of the more healthy pitchers for most of the year, but now he has a sore back, or intestines, or something. Nobody seems all that certain what is wrong with him.

Someone mentioned to Quade that his wife had that same soreness when she was pregnant.
“I don’t think he’s having a baby,” Quade said. “That would just about do it. If that’s the case, then we really had an interesting first half.”

At this point, I don’t think the Cubs can absolutely rule anything out.  This is the Cubs, afterall.

Carlos Zambrano – Currently on the Disabled List with a sore back. BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP HIM FROM LOBBING A SOFTBALL AND POSING FOR PICTURES!!! ZOMG!!! HE IS ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH THE CUBS AND AMERICA!!!

Matt Garza – Went down in May with elbow tightness. He’s back and he threw 114 pitches in his complete game loss to the White Sox, so it seems like he’s OK. For now.

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Randy Wells – Made one start and was disabled with forearm tightness.  He didn’t return until May 28th after we had endured starts by Casey Coleman, James Russell, and Doug Davis.  Of course, now we have to endure his starts, which are almost as bad, so there really is no winning here.

Andrew Cashner – Made one start and has never been seen again. The Cubs say it is a shoulder issue.  I think he’s been kidnapped by aliens.

Bullpen

The Opening Day bullpen has been relatively healthy, but they are not completely immune.

Carlos Marmol – The action on Marmol’s slider makes me think he is always one pitch away from a visit to Dr. James Andrews, but he just keeps going out there and throwing those pitches with no particular knowledge of where they will end up.  Hooray!

Kerry Wood – The good news is that Kerry has not had elbow or shoulder issues.  The bad news is that he was held out of a few games earlier in the year with a bade back, and then he made his customary trip to the DL with blister problems. All in all, this has been a really healthy year for Kerry Wood.

Sean Marshall – still healthy.  Shhhh!!!!

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John Grabow – still healthy. This may be the only thing he does well.

Jeff Samardzija – still healthy.  I know he’s supposedly now one of the “good” options in the bullpen thanks to the injuries, but he still scares the bejeezus out of me.

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James Russell – still healthy.  Which is good as long as he stays in the bullpen.  I don’t care if the entire rotation goes on the disabled list at the same time.  This man should never ever start another game.  I should start before James Russell does.

Marcos Mateo – He was healthy but bad.  Then he suddenly turned it up to eleven, blew away batters for five innings after Zambrano got hurt, and now he’s hurt with a sore elbow. Of course he is.  We don’t know MRI results yet, but I’m just assuming that Dr. Andrews is penciling him into his appointment calendar.

Catchers

Any catcher on this team getting hurt besides Geovany Soto probably helps, so it stands to reason that Geovany Soto is the one catcher that got hurt.

Geovany Soto – Went down for almost three weeks with a left groin strain.  Not that it mattered much since this is a Bad Geo year, but even Bad Geo is better than Koyie Hill.

Koyie Hill – Still healthy.  Somebody get this guy a home improvement project he can work on.

Infielders

The infield stayed pretty healthy for awhile and we were able to really focus on all the pitching injuries.  They’re starting to catch up lately so the Cubs may want to bubble-wrap Starlin Castro when he’s not playing.

Carlos Pena – Pena never served actual time on the disabled list, but he had a troublesome thumb early on that may or may not have contributed to his total of zero homeruns in the month of April.

Jeff Baker – Left the game last night after injuring his back while making a throwing error. This is probably the consumate Cubs injury.  I’m just glad it didn’t involve burned ass hairs.

Darwin Barney – Scored the winning run on June 13th and hurt his knee in the process. Some said it was a Grade 1 strain.  Others said it was a Grade 3.  He’s back without the aid of crutches or a Rascal, so I’m assuming the reporters that said it was Grade 1 were correct.

Starlin Castro – Still healthy.

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Aramis Ramirez – Still healthy.

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Blake DeWitt – Still healthy.  The guy with the .639 OPS who barely made the team out of Spring Training is still healthy. Of course he is.

Outfielders

You have to wonder what sort of calamities have befallen a team that has caused it to regularly field lineups with infielders playing in the outfield, and worse yet, Tony Campana.

Alfonso Soriano – Soriano hurt his quad while trying to beat out a throw to first that caused him to miss about half of June. People wonder why he looks so slow all the time.  That’s why.

Marlon Byrd – He got hit with a pitch that broke his face.  That is really all that needs to be said.  Our starting centerfielder had a broken face that could have easily blinded him.

Kosuke Fukudome – Still healthy.

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Tyler Colvin – Still healthy.  But he sucks and is now swinging at every damn pitch in the minors.

Reed Johnson – He hurt his back, went on the DL and then got hit in the face with a pitch during his rehab stint.  Seriously.  If that doesn’t pretty much sum up the Cubs season in a nutshell, I don’t know what does.

Wait… maybe this does:


aisle424

About aisle424

I used to write lots of things about the Cubs. Now I sometimes write things about the Cubs.

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