Other Secrets the Cubs Beat Writers Are on the Verge of Uncovering

Today the Cubs announced the firing of Jim Hendry. Four weeks ago. Hendry himself called it one of the best-kept secrets in Cubs history (the others: the formula for a championship, why we keep watching, and how to remove the smell of urine from concrete). Shortly after learning that the biggest story of the season had eluded the beat writers’ collective Woodward-and-Bernstein gaze, Bruce Miles tweeted this:


That’s right. Nothing gets past the Chicago media. No way will the Ricketts family be able to prevent the crack squad of investigative journalists from tracking down a story so important as the status of the Cubs GM job. No sir. And to prove their deductive powers, the men covering the Cubs beat have launched a relentless sweep of the Chicago baseball landscape. No secret is safe. No clue can hide. They don’t know the definition of the word mystery. Here are some of the stories that couldn’t get past the power of the press wielded daily, bringing otherwise unknowable information from the Wrigley press box to the clubhouse to your unsuspecting eyes:

Carlos Zambrano‘s anger journal entry from June 5, 2011: “We stinks.”

Contrary to his résumé, Todd Ricketts has yet to win a Nobel Prize.

The numbers on LOST don’t mean anything.

Alfonso Soriano has lost a step.

Beer at Wrigley is expensive.

Mike Quade likes nicknames.

Dallas has been canceled.

The Ricketts family owns the Cubs. Trust us. Not just anyone could have gotten to the bottom of this one.

Kerry Wood could be looking at arm trouble that might tarnish the outlook of his otherwise promising career.

Anne Frank is hiding in the attic.

Technically, we actually have seen Bruce Wayne and Batman in the same room.

The Cubs’ chances of contention in 2011 are iffy.

Kosuke’s gone.

So is Lou Brock.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A

Dewey defeated Truman.

Oh wait . . .

Gladiator! Gladiator!

Carlos Silva‘s exit from the Cubs: not that much more glamorous than Milton Bradley‘s.

Ryne Sandberg might not be the lock for the Cubs managerial position we all thought he was.

Keith Moreland struggles with the pronunciation of Carlos Pena.

When the wind blows in, Wrigley becomes a harder place to hit home runs.

As noted above, we’re no longer calling it Weeghman Park.

Bruce Willis is dead.

Prince William and Kate are anxious to have children.

Jim Hendry: still fired.

Mr. Owl lacks the patience required to count Tootsie Pop licks.

The Cubs’ recent string of championships ended in 1908.

Ozzy Osbourne doesn’t know the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

Ricky Martin is gay.

Jeff Baker is untouchable.

Feel free to update this list as more stories get uncovered. I’m sure this is only the beginning.