Theo’s First Mistake

It’s still really early in the Era of the Super Friends, so the opportunities for Theo and the Wonder Twins to screw up have been minimal so far. Maybe you disagreed with the firing of Quade (you should open your mouth a little wider when you speak). You weren’t alone if you wished Ryne Sandberg would have gotten another shot at prolonged rejection (thanks for picking us up, Cardinals). Maybe you think his biggest mistake was accepting the job in the first place (thank God for lapses in judgment). But all that aside, I’m wondering what his first mistake is likely to be. As usual, I came up with nonsense.

Clone Zambrano. It’s a typical mistake of smart people. He’ll work so hard to see if he could do it, he won’t stop to think if he should.

Cancel the 7th Inning Stretch guest conductor. Yeah, it sounds like an easy way to get rid of Jim Belushi and random American Idol castoffs, but the next thing you know we’ll all be singing Neil Diamond.

Physical contact with Ronnie Woo Woo Wickers Okay, I guess we should retitle this post “Theo’s Second Mistake.”

Stage a military offensive across Eastern Russia. Let’s not repeat Dallas Green’s undoing.

Bring back Koyie Hill. The Cubs used to win every game Koyie Hill played. Apparently it’s no longer funny enough to incapacitate the other team with laughter, so it’s probably time to find a new gimmick.

Compare anyone to Hitler. Seriously, no matter how funny you think it’s going to be, this never works out.

Establish a closer by committee. It’s not that this can’t work, it’s just that it makes it very difficult to focus our game-ending outrage. Fan angst is all about memes these days, and if it’s a different guy blowing the 9th-inning lead the Cubs manage to get every few days, the consistency of our rants will be way off. I can see this one happening though, for sure.

Hit Reply All. There are a lot of Super Friends. They don’t all want to hear everyone’s availability for the holiday party.

Keep playing “Go Cubs Go” after every win. Maybe Theo’s a bit of a traditionalist, but isn’t it time we switched to something a little more current like “Men in Blue”?

Wander into the left field bleachers. Whatever Ricketts tells you the surprise is, don’t buy it. It’s a trap. (This one’s probably inevitable.)

Make eye contact across the center trough. Rookie mistake. Might not happen first, but it’ll happen. And then, for some fan, the Theo era will be incurably awkward.

Flip him for Ricky Nalasco. Doesn’t matter who “him” is. Don’t. Just . . . don’t.

Do a musical episode. And while we’re at it, no clip shows either. 

Try to rank the seasons of The Jack Benny Show. That list is set in stone.

Leave his wing man. It’s not your flying. It’s your attitude.

8 years, $136 million. . . . yeah.