Chicago Tribune is now accepting hearsay from random people

Per NDB Paul Sullivan, some dude wearing a purple tshirt thinks he saw Theo Epstein at a Chicago Starbucks. True to form, he managed to work in a completely unrelated dig on Zambrano. Seriously, Tribune? There have been sightings of Theo all over the city, and this is the one you dug up?

We intrepid investigators at Obstructed View have heard reports of Epstein in no less than seven locations in the past 24 hours.

  • A woman in an orange sweatshirt may have spotted Theo in the Jewel produce section buying bananas
  • A cab driver wearing a yellow hoodie picked up a man that looked like Theo who asked for a ride to Wrigley Stadium.
  • My friend’s cousin’s dog Fred, who was wearing a green collar, saw Theo taking an early morning swim in Lake Michigan this morning. Somehow Fred managed to take a picture despite lacking opposable thumbs:
  • A man wearing red pants saw someone that looked a lot like Theo taking two bags of bananas into a house in lakeview. The nameplate on the mailbox said “T. Shakur”
  • Yesterday afternoon, an airport employee wearing brown shoes spotted someone Epsteinesque getting off a plane piloted by an A. Earhart. The plane was supposed to arrive earlier that morning but it had been hijacked by someone calling himself D. B. Cooper.
  • A 3 month old child wearing a blue diaper saw Theo eating dinner a downtown restaurant last night with Carlos Zambrano and Ozzie Guillen. 
  • A man wearing nothing but a tiger-striped thong saw Paul Sullivan wearing a purple tshirt in a Chicago Starbucks, having a long conversation with Scott Templeton.

 

(h/t to Aisley for a few of these)


berselius

About berselius

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

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