Dear Carlos Zambrano,
I know this has been a frustrating year or three for you. It’s been a frustrating year or 103 for Cubs fans, so we can relate. I’d like to help alleviate your frustration. I want to formally invite you to join my kickball team.
You see, every year my employer holds an employee appreciation day, and one of the events is a kickball tournament. My team (All Your Base Are Belong To Us) could really use your help. And since your current obligation to the Chicago National League ball club is on hold, I thought you might enjoy another forum of competition.
The rules are pretty much the same as baseball except you kick the ball instead of hitting it with a bat. I’m sure you can handle this, what with your soccer skills and all. Actually, you have played soccer on our soccer field in Chicago before, so you should feel right at hom.
Also, Mr. Zambrano, in kickball, you’re allowed and even encouraged to throw the ball at the other team, even if it’s on purpose. You just can’t hit them in the head.
Anyway, the game is this Wednesday at 1:00. I know this is short notice and all, but I was guessing your schedule is a lot less packed these days so it was worth a shot. Please let me know if you can make it and I’ll get you additional details before the game.
Thanks. Your friend and fan,