Cubs and Quade Call It Quite

The Cubs have fired Mike Quade. Theo Epstein broke the news to Quade in person. Given the length of time the new leadership spent meeting with Quade, I think it’s a sign that the front office seriously considered the possibility of keeping him on (or at least didn’t enter the situation with their minds made up) and/or that Quade was pretty cooperative in informing the new regime about his read on the team. Whatever was said, the way this has transpired reflects positively on everyone involved. I’m halfway between good luck and good riddance on his departure.

Along with that news come reports of the first casualty in the managerial search. Ryne Sandberg can already scratch his name off the list of candidates. In another class move, Epstein reached out through Phillies personnel to inform Ryno of this news and to ask that he personally do the name-scratching-off of the officially official list.

It’s a new day, Cubs fans. Well, technically the day’s more than half over, but figuratively speaking, it’s a new day in Cubdom.

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Cubs Fans: Here's Your New ID

”We’re going to hire people we trust, give them the opportunity to succeed, and hold them accountable.” That’s what Tom Ricketts said at his opening press conference in 2009. We all remember it. Slightly less than all of us believed it at the time. Perhaps we should have put two and two together. The Cubs didn’t have any positions open when the Ricketts family took over, but he started off talking about their hiring philosophy.

Maybe this hiring of baseball’s brain trust was Tom Ricketts’ plan all along, but for the first two years it felt like business as usual. The Cubs sucked. And they weren’t getting better. Tom Ricketts’ words looked like meager lip service. We had no reason to take the sentiments seriously.

We do now.

I don’t want to analyze the Cubs under the Ricketts regime. Not worth it. The shift in direction from where the Cubs were as the season ended and where they are now that they’ve employed the College of GMs is obvious. The Cubs are serious about building a winner. Long-term. In the offseason before 2007, the Cubs made an obvious effort to win, but that was entirely a short-term attempt. They added curb appeal to a franchise for sale.

This is different. They’re going to spend smart. They’re going to spend a lot. To paraphrase Rufus at the end of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, They will get better. Trust me.

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Report: Cubs Now a Theocracy

According to WEEI, the Cubs and Theo Epstein have agreed to a 5-year deal worth upwards of $15 million. But it’s not finalized (not even official, much less officially official). And they haven’t settled on a title (Grand Poobah of Baseball Operations or Crane Kenney’s Gimp Handler). And they have to settle on compensation for poaching Theo out of the last year of his contract (Brett Jackson, Bryan LaHair, or a Patterson to be named later). This is why you have to title your breaking news articles with “Report:” in front of them.

Cue half of Cubdom saying the Cubs’ World Series dreams are imminently to be fulfilled and the other half saying Theo isn’t the answer or won’t make a difference for quite some time. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Like, a finger. Having someone who knows what he’s doing in charge of all things baseball will make a difference right away. Doesn’t mean the Cubs will contend right away or even win a World Series ever. But if the reports are true, the Cubs are a better baseball organization right now than they’ve been in my lifetime.

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An Unfair Game

There’s a movie coming out this week. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s based on a book that Bill James didn’t write. It goes by many names: Joe Morgan’s Book of Nightmares; The Joy of Stats; The Unbearable Lightness of Beane; Eat, Pray, OBP. Most people just know it as Moneyball. But it’s the subtitle that interests me as this Cubs season comes to a close:

The Art of Winning an Unfair Game.

Now, the unfairness pointed out in the book (or to anyone who knows that $20 million is less than $200 million) is the economic imbalance in Major League Baseball. Billy Beane has been charged with the seemingly impossible task of winning on a budget that other teams could spend on a single free agent. The unfair game Michael Lewis describes is the business of baseball. But the game itself is pretty unfair as well.

That’s what I love about it. Baseball is unfair. At least in small samples it is. Baseball is a game designed to allow the lesser team the opportunity to win a good portion of the time. It allows relatively poor hitters to have storybook success. Scott Podsednik hit a walkoff homerun in the World Series. That’s not fair. It shouldn’t happen. In a controlled scientific environment, you could put the mass of Scotty Pods’ offensive production opposite the weight of a World Series victory on the scales of probability and never tip the balance in his favor. But on the field of play, unfair things happen. The best team wins most of the time, but not so much that the Cubs can’t ever fly the W flag.

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Dear Carlos Zambrano, Please Join My Team

Dear Carlos Zambrano,

I know this has been a frustrating year or three for you. It’s been a frustrating year or 103 for Cubs fans, so we can relate. I’d like to help alleviate your frustration. I want to formally invite you to join my kickball team.

You see, every year my employer holds an employee appreciation day, and one of the events is a kickball tournament. My team (All Your Base Are Belong To Us) could really use your help. And since your current obligation to the Chicago National League ball club is on hold, I thought you might enjoy another forum of competition.

The rules are pretty much the same as baseball except you kick the ball instead of hitting it with a bat. I’m sure you can handle this, what with your soccer skills and all. Actually, you have played soccer on our soccer field in Chicago before, so you should feel right at hom.

Also, Mr. Zambrano, in kickball, you’re allowed and even encouraged to throw the ball at the other team, even if it’s on purpose. You just can’t hit them in the head.

Anyway, the game is this Wednesday at 1:00. I know this is short notice and all, but I was guessing your schedule is a lot less packed these days so it was worth a shot. Please let me know if you can make it and I’ll get you additional details before the game.

Thanks. Your friend and fan,

Adam

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Other Secrets the Cubs Beat Writers Are on the Verge of Uncovering

Today the Cubs announced the firing of Jim Hendry. Four weeks ago. Hendry himself called it one of the best-kept secrets in Cubs history (the others: the formula for a championship, why we keep watching, and how to remove the smell of urine from concrete). Shortly after learning that the biggest story of the season had eluded the beat writers’ collective Woodward-and-Bernstein gaze, Bruce Miles tweeted this:

That’s right. Nothing gets past the Chicago media. No way will the Ricketts family be able to prevent the crack squad of investigative journalists from tracking down a story so important as the status of the Cubs GM job. No sir. And to prove their deductive powers, the men covering the Cubs beat have launched a relentless sweep of the Chicago baseball landscape. No secret is safe. No clue can hide. They don’t know the definition of the word mystery. Here are some of the stories that couldn’t get past the power of the press wielded daily, bringing otherwise unknowable information from the Wrigley press box to the clubhouse to your unsuspecting eyes:

Carlos Zambrano‘s anger journal entry from June 5, 2011: “We stinks.”

Contrary to his résumé, Todd Ricketts has yet to win a Nobel Prize.

The numbers on LOST don’t mean anything.

Alfonso Soriano has lost a step.

Beer at Wrigley is expensive.

Mike Quade likes nicknames.

Dallas has been canceled.

The Ricketts family owns the Cubs. Trust us. Not just anyone could have gotten to the bottom of this one.

Kerry Wood could be looking at arm trouble that might tarnish the outlook of his otherwise promising career.

Anne Frank is hiding in the attic.

Technically, we actually have seen Bruce Wayne and Batman in the same room.

The Cubs’ chances of contention in 2011 are iffy.

Kosuke’s gone.

So is Lou Brock.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A

Dewey defeated Truman.

Oh wait . . .

Gladiator! Gladiator!

Carlos Silva‘s exit from the Cubs: not that much more glamorous than Milton Bradley‘s.

Ryne Sandberg might not be the lock for the Cubs managerial position we all thought he was.

Keith Moreland struggles with the pronunciation of Carlos Pena.

When the wind blows in, Wrigley becomes a harder place to hit home runs.

As noted above, we’re no longer calling it Weeghman Park.

Bruce Willis is dead.

Prince William and Kate are anxious to have children.

Jim Hendry: still fired.

Mr. Owl lacks the patience required to count Tootsie Pop licks.

The Cubs’ recent string of championships ended in 1908.

Ozzy Osbourne doesn’t know the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

Ricky Martin is gay.

Jeff Baker is untouchable.

Feel free to update this list as more stories get uncovered. I’m sure this is only the beginning.

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Series Preview: Zambranoless Cubs (53-68) Bournless and Penceless Astros (38-83)

This is the hardest series preview I’ve ever had to write.

It’s also the third series preview I’ve ever had to write, but even if it were the 287th, I’m pretty sure it would trump all others in difficulty. You can throw all the previous stats out the window, because they mean nothing.

The Cubs have won a lot of their last just-a-little-more-than-that games, and I think we all know why. Carlos Zambrano was on the way out, and Cubbieverse could sense it. The wins have been pulled along the fringe of the Einsteinian vortex formed by the sheer planetary mass of Carlos Zambrano’s selfish rage. With him no longer weighing down the clubhouse, the Cubs can expect to sail free from the emotional gravity of his evil.

Then we have the Astros with their palindromic win-loss record, which scares me. Yes, they’re without noted Cubs killers Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence, but you know who else they’re without? Carlos Zambrano. Surely their spirits have lifted as well. Anything could happen.

Even as I type, Comcast SportsNet prepares to air an interview between Carlos Zambrano and his biggest fan and supporter, David Kaplan. Z will tell us he is sorry. He’ll tell us he is misunderstood. He’ll tell us he still wants to be a Cub. He’ll tell us he and the Cubbie faithful are still tight. Bro, he’ll tell us a cool story. He’ll probably rope Paul Sullivan in for a big bear hug, shed a few angry tears, and blame the whole fiasco on the psychological block that has prevented him from eating dinner for the last 12 months. The spiritual explosion between Kap and Z is sure to put the emotional planes of the universe in flux. How can I predict what that will do to the clubhouses at Minute Maid?

I can’t. How can I predict how a youngster like Rodrigo Lopez will be encouraged by the absence of Zambrano’s karma vs. a pitcher who shares the name of another SuperCub castoff, Henry Sosa? Can’t do it.

How could anyone know how impressively Ryan Dempster will break free of every sorrowful tie that binds him now that Zambrano is no longer ruining the punchlines to all his Matt Foley jokes? Against Brett Myers, who has never had to play alongside much nicer Carloses like Lee and Beltran? Tougher call than a coin flip.

And what about the other pitchers I don’t care enough to look up? I mean, Casey Coleman vs. To Be Announced. Seriously, how do you predict something like that?

And how, I ask you, in the name of Tony Campana‘s winged boots does anyone predict how the Astros will perform against the Cubs when Zambrano’s not around to no-hit them? Well, all I can do is weep for the future, wail for the past, and shed a solitary tear for this moment.

Prediction: Cubs sweep. I mean, the Cubs are bad, the moment is bizarre, and the Texas stars may just be aligned, but holy mother of crap do the Astros suck.

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10 Reasons to Keep Watching the Cubs

The Cubs are not just a bad baseball team. They’re bad television. I don’t think it necessary to prove this assertion with impartial evidence. If you’ve seen the Cubs do their jobs, all the anecdotal evidence you need is oozing from behind your eyeballs. The smart choice is obvious: look away. But if you’re committed to bad decisions, allow me to provide you with the necessary motive. Here are ten reasons to keep watching the Cubs in 2011 (and yes, there are ten . . . but just ten).

10. Starlin Castro – This is really the number 1 reason, but it’s also the most obvious. Kid’s fun to watch. He’s also pretty frustrating to watch, but it’s not like you’ll be able to pin your viewing frustrations on Starlin Castro alone, unless your name’s Mike Quade, in which case watching is part of your job description (don’t worry, Mike, that will change soon enough).

9. The Quest for 100 – Losing 100 is special. Should the Cubs maintain their current winning percentage, and I’m not without confidence in their ability to do so, they’ll lose 96 or 97. Dare we dream that the Cubs could outperform their current breakneck pace of futility? What can I say, I’m a dreamer.

8. The Return of Andrew Cashner – The kid threw off a mound on Saturday and has thrown all three of his pitches. The rehab will be slow, but eventually he might pitch again. That would be cool to watch.

7. Carlos Zambrano – He’s Carlos F. Zambrano (the F stands for Fun to Watch).

6. Mike Quade’s Spiral Into Insanity – Mike Quade says he’s not a lunatic. That’s the Lunatic Pledge. The rest of the season should play out like an overblown production of “The Tell-Tale Heart.”

5. Brett Jackson – Or any prospect who might get called up. It really doesn’t matter. Someone new who might have a chance of disappointing us in the future but whose mere presence would be good enough for now. I’d watch that.

4. Stay Informed About Why We Hate Paul Sullivan – At some point, the sights of the Bag End Assassin will be aimed at someone other than Carlos Zambrano, and at that point, you’re going to want to know the player’s name.

3. Watch Bob Eat Stuff – Bob Brenly and Len Kasper have been sampling the food at the ballparks the Cubs visit. I’ve seen this a couple of times, and I’ve been meaning to catch more of these riveting portraits of Americana. It’s kind of like Wild Kingdom.

2. Tony Campana – He is really fast. It’s fascinating to see a Cubs player who can run fast, even if most of the time his at-bats just result in him ambling quickly toward the dugout. Still, fast Cubs are rare.

1. The Epic Battle of I’m Not a Left Fielder Not Yet a First Baseman between Adam Dunn and Tyler Colvin – Adam Dunn is at -1.6 WAR. Tyler Colvin’s languishing at -1.1 WAR. I can’t look away. I don’t understand how anybody can.

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Series Preview: Houston Astros (33-65) at 2012 NL Central Champion Chicago Cubs (39-60)

One of the chief objections to Interleague play, especially the notion of two 15-team leagues and a year-round interleague schedule, is the onset of less than compelling matchups. Who wants to see the Twins and Padres? Is a Red Sox vs. Reds series really enough of a novelty to warrant any extra attention from either fan base? Who in America really cares to see the Seattle Mariners leave Washington state and come anywhere near Washington D.C.? How many rhetorical questions must I ask before the dead horse suffers enough?

Well, this isn’t interleague. This is divisional play. Cubs and Astros. I can’t even bring myself to compare how bad they are with a full statistical breakdown. Because I’m lazy? Yes, but not just that. Let me spell it out this way:

The Cubs and Astros have a combined record of 72-125. When this series is through, assuming all three games get played without mother nature mercifully postponing the travesty it promises to be, they’ll have a combined record of 75-128. Simply by playing each other, these two teams will raise their collective win percentage by .004 points. The only way the Cubs and Astros can hope to amass three wins between them is to play each other. Otherwise, it’s just not happening.

With a series loss, the Cubs can inch closer to that vaunted #1 draft pick. With a series win, the Cubs will pass the .400 mark. It’s really a win-win. My only prediction: craptastic baseball. I defy Cassy and Winnie to set any other tone.

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Series Preview: Philadelphia Phillies (59-35) at Whitney Young Dolphins (38-58)

Technically, the Phillies have the best record in MLB. And technically, the Cubs have the second worst. So technically, the Phillies should slaughter the Cubs. But on artistic merit, the Cubs have a clear advantage and should dominate the series. Paul McCartney is playing Wrigley at the end of the month, so I really don’t know what can stop the Cubbies.

Team Overviews

Keeping up Berselius’s standard, team stats and NL ranks:

	Phillies	Cubs
wOBA	.313 (8th)	.314 (7th)
UBR	1.7 (7th)	-12.0 (600th)
UZR	-10.6 (10th)	-15.5 (13th)
SP FIP	2.94 (1st)	4.10 (11th)
RP FIP	3.98 (13th)	4.03 (14th)
Reasons to Believe	37 (1st)	-6.5 (15th)

As you can see, despite what all the numbers tell us, the Cubs and the Phillies are actually quite evenly matched. As long as baserunning, starting pitching, and general hopefulness don’t factor into the series, there’s no reason the Cubs can’t take 2 out of 3.

Shane Victorino is due to come off the disabled list on Tuesday, so he could re-enter the lineup in time for a beer shower from the center field bleachers. The Phillies also have other players who are good. Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard are among the players who are not entirely bad at baseball.

Pitching Matchups

Monday: Roy Halladay, RHP (Really, Good) vs. Rodrigo Lopez, RHP (Not, Quite, As, Good)

This should be a matchup reminiscent of the Big Bad Wolf vs. the House of Straw. If a Cub reaches base, Mike Quade should keep his job.

Tuesday: Cliff Lee, LHP (Better, Than, Everyone, On, Our, Team.0) vs. Matt Garza, Not a LHP even though I always think he is for some reason (Better, Than, I, Thought)

In the month of June, Cliff Lee gave up a certain number of runs, all of them to the vaunted Cubs offense. I expect the Cubs to come within at least one of that output in this matchup alone. Advantage: Cy Young Killers.

Wednesday: Vance Worley, RHP (So, Lucky, I, Can’t, Even, Take, It) vs. Ryan Dempster (Ace, Without, Problems)

Don’t let Worley’s 2.15 ERA fool you. He’s sporting a 3.32 FIP and dodging the regressive repercussions of a 4.11 xFIP. But that’s not why he’s lucky. He’s lucky because he’s facing the Cubs, to whom bad things are usually destined to happen.

Prediction

The Phillies have won seven consecutive series. The Cubs have won seven series. Of course the Cubs will sweep. Let’s see what happens.

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